How to be happy – Course Review

Course Name: How To Be Happy- What the scientists don’t want you to know
Website: Udemy
Link: https://www.udemy.com/how-to-be-happy-what-the-scientists-dont-want-you-to-know/
CONTENTS:

  • How gratitude and self-love are keys to happiness
  • 5 steps to happiness
  • How love and relationships help in happiness
  • Characteristics of a happy person
  • Design your own life – what is your life purpose
WHY I CHOSE THIS COURSE?

I have been a little busy with my office work lately, hence not able to do month long courses. This was a short course, hence chose it. I was also curious to know if this course had anything different to offer from the courses I already did or from the books I have already read.

MY TAKE ON THE COURSE:

 
It was an utter waste of my time. After the first few sections, I did not even feel like listening to it as there was nothing interesting. It is more of a theory course than a course which mentions action steps. The title is misleading by mentioning it as what scientists don’t tell. For all the theory mentioned in the course, there are scientific experiments behind it and have been presented in other courses. The only useful aspect I found was the exercises for gratitude. That is something which I would definitely want to practise from now onwards.

WHY SHOULD YOU TAKE THIS COURSE?

 

  • You have no clue about happiness and wants to know if it is something useful or not
  • You don’t believe in gratitude and wants to learn if it is really effective
  • You don’t know what makes a person happy
  • You never came across life-purpose and its relation to happiness
WHY SHOULD YOU NOT TAKE THIS COURSE?

 

  • There are no subtitles. If you can’t follow English accent, you might not find it useful without subtitles.
  • You already know enough theory and just want to learn implementation tips
  • You feel sleepy if the voice of speaker is not motivating enough
  • You need interesting pictures and animations to stick to a course

I am not including the summary here as it is a paid course. If you are a novice in learning about happiness and don’t have much time to do a detailed research, you can go for this course. But if you have enough time and want to take concrete action on happiness, go for a life of happiness course on coursera.org. You can check out my review of that course in this article.
Happy learning to be happy!
 

Devaluing Happiness

Image result for devaluing happiness
As the title says, happiness is ranked at a lower level than other priorities in life. You might be wondering  why will someone ever do that. But in reality, most of us do this in some decision or the other in our daily life. But it does not look obvious. Hence we don’t realize that. Even if we realize, we rationalize it telling ourselves that we are doing it for happiness when we are actually sacrificing our happiness for something else.

On a fine evening, I took my best friend to one of my favorite restaurants for buffet. Unfortunately, the food was awful that day. Since I had to pay the bill irrespective of how the food was, I ended up eating only the few items which I liked over and again. I was rationalizing that I have to eat worth the amount I am spending. While my friend, as he did not like the food, he just stopped eating after he had finished tasting the food. I was clearly valuing money in place of happiness. That was a lesson which I had to learn from him. But I did not realize about that until I did this course.
I corrected this mistake next time when I went for shopping. There was a sale going on in the shop I went to. I went with the intention of buying the ones which were on sale. But the clothes which were not on sale were more trendy. I just went on with buying the clothes from new arrivals without thinking about money. I feel proud of myself that I actually implemented the lesson learnt last time.
Do you also want to stop devaluing happiness? The following are the three common reasons why people devalue happiness:
  1. Ambiguity in definition of happiness
  2. Negative beliefs on happiness
  3. Medium maximization (Confusing medium to be the end goal)
Ambiguity in definition of happiness:

You can’t reach the destination if you don’t know where you have to go.  Same is the case with happiness. So what does happiness mean to you? A candle light dinner with your spouse? A promotion at your workplace? Getting some alone time? Happiness varies from person to person. Knowing what makes you happy is important to start being happy. This article guides you to know what makes you happy.

Negative Beliefs on Happiness:
Many people assume that happiness leads to laziness or selfishness. But research proves the opposite. Happy people are the most productive at work and are altruistic.
Medium Maximization:
To achieve happiness, we need a medium. But in the longer run, we might lose track of the bigger picture and assume that achieving the medium is the way to achieve happiness. For example, we earn money so that we can lead a happy life. But in the longer we forget about happiness and only think about money.
Now that you know the common mistakes which people make and devalue happiness. Start protecting yourself from not falling into this trap. Evaluate yourself daily.
Stay Happy!

Google Keep vs One Note

Image result for google keep vs onenote

In the middle of a busy work, do random, exciting, creative ideas cross your mind? Do you out of nowhere think of all the places you want to visit in the world? Have you again forgotten the grocery list? Do you want to have the list of books you want to read handy and keep a track of them? Do you have to make notes during a meeting? Don’t worry! You are not alone. Every other person is like you. You can make use of these apps to solve your problems.

I have used both the apps and each app has its own advantages.

GOOGLE KEEP:

It is good for android users and it syncs with your google drive. It looks like sticky notes.It has many interesting features:
Colour your lists:
You can have a colour code to categorise different parts of your life. All the lists related to work can be in green. All the personal activities can be in blue and so on.

Checking off the tasks in the list:
As you check off the activity, the app strikes it off. It gives you a sense of accomplishment.

Archiving the lists:
The lists which have been completed can be separated from the unfinished lists with this feature. Only the lists which are yet to be finished will be arranged on the screen. The finished lists can be archived. When you see a lot of lists which are not yet done, it will bring a sense of urgency.
Reminder:
You can set a reminder for a task in the list. You can repeat it too.
Search:
You can search for a list for food, places, movies or colours. I have written about making chocolate in one of the lists. When I searched the lists for food, the search results had the lists where I mentioned about cooking. Same was the case with places.

Other features:
It has other features also like capturing a picture or recording voice and handwritten notes. You can share your notes with your friends.
Overall, this app looks cool with the user interface and easy to use features.

ONE NOTE:

Image result for one note
This is a Microsoft Product. Even this can be synced online. But the app looks good only on a Windows phone. After using this app on windows phone, you won’t feel like using it on Android. This app can be used to take quick notes and later classify these notes to a parent note. You can take notes by typing, with your handwriting, or capture pictures or voice. These notes can be shared with others too. This app has a few features of Evernote and a few of google keep. The best reason to own this app is owning a windows phone.
Happy Note Making!

Unlock your happiness by gifting

Image result for gift giving


Festival time! Secret Santa! Christmas tree filled with gifts! The excitement is in the air!
 
“What gift do you want?”
 
“I have a secret gift for you.”
 
Well, well!
 

Why do we gift?

Gifts are a token of appreciation, interest, love you have for the receiver. You are sending signals on how much the other person means to you. Psychologists say that it is one of the ways to boost happiness. But sometimes we gift just for namesake. Does that still bring happiness?

Things to remember while gifting:

DO:

      Handmade gifts: 
      You might be rich enough to buy expensive gifts. But if someone is close to you, give a handmade gift. It makes the receiver feel more loved.
   Letters as gifts: 
     When you are close to someone, always combine the material gift with a note. I have sent notes to multiple people telling how much they mean to me. I write about the memories I cherished with them. I remind them how beautiful they made me feel. The bond just gets stronger with notes. And happiness grows exponentially
   Thoughtful gifts: 
      Don’t wait till the occasion comes and then start thinking about the gift. Make a mental note of what your loved ones require. Or remember when they tell you that about the one thing they always wanted to buy but could not so far. Surprise them with that on the D-day.
  Gift Fund: 
     Every month when you get a paycheck, keep some money aside and call it as gift fund. When you need to gift something big, it does not feel a pinch in your pocket. And also you will be spending within your budget this way.
   A gift every time you meet: 
     There might be some friend or relative of you are catching up after a long time. Make sure that you take something along with you. You will feel happy looking at their priceless expression. They feel a sense of gratification for you remember their taste so well.
    Creative gifts: 
     Make the gift exciting. For my sister’s sixteenth birthday, I made her play treasure hunt throughout the day for her to receive her 16 gifts on 16thbirthday. The gifts were not expensive ones. They were small ones, but the way I made them creative made her day special.
   Useful gifts: 
      The other day when I walked into a gift shop, I saw a small girl asking the shopkeeper to show her some useful gifts. You can always give a showpiece if the receiver is fond of them. Otherwise, stick to only the gifts which others might find them useful.

Don’t

      Gift for the sake of gifting: 
      You might have had a gifting tradition in the family, so you reluctantly go and gift. It is a wrong approach as it only makes you unhappy. Instead, gift to only those whom you want to gift.
   Spend beyond your capacity: 
     Gifting is not something you do out of society’s pressure. So don’t take loans to gift. There are gifts out there in everyone’s budget.
    Redundant gift: 
     Before gifting find a way to check if the receiver already owns something of that sort or not.
  Gift one time consumable: 
      Avoid gifting only chocolates or sweets. People eat them and forget it. Give something which is memorable.
     Take people for granted: 
      Don’t leave out anyone in the circle of friends or relatives from giving a gift. Manage your budget well and buy something for everyone. Make a list of all people if forgetting people is your problem.
    Gift people who just check the price: 
      Some people treat you based on the price of the gift you give them. They don’t deserve a gift. Don’t waste your time and emotions on people of that sort.
 
Happy Gifting!

Flow – Being in the Moment

Image result for flow

‘Mindfulness’, ‘Be in the present’,’Just enjoy the moment’- You must have often heard these statements. You might know what that could mean or you might not know what that might not mean. But all those terms can be understood by practising flow.  What is this flow?

Today I came across this word in a course on coursera.org. The first thought that came into  my mind was a river. This thought was followed by another thought which is an everyday usage of the word used in daily conversations. When a person gives a lot of quick, witty replies then the person is said to be in a flow. I never put a thought into why the word flow was used there. I thought it was called flow because of the flow of words with which the person speaks. But I missed out on intricate details like the behaviour and state of mind of that the person when he was speaking. Next time, if you come across someone like this, notice his behaviour. You will find that the person is in a happy state of mind. He is not conscious of his actions. So just by describing the person, we got the definition of flow. According to the speaker of this course, this flow is what makes a person happy. And defines the success too.
This metric is incorporated by corporate organisations also to measure the happiness or success of their employees. I was working at such an organisation previously  where they had this metric. I was asked to submit my self-appraisal and indicate where I stood in the flow chart. Since that was the first time I was working,  I never cared to understand what the word could have meant. I just saw the chart and updated what could have been an ideal place to be, which could be ‘control’ or ‘flow’. I used to avoid using the word flow because I had to explain it in detail why I was in the flow. So I used to just get away by updating it as ‘control’.
Image result for flow
Until today, I could never appreciate why it was used as a metric as I did not know how wonderful a metric it was. Have you heard of the 10,000- hour rule to become an expert in any domain you choose? When I first came across that in the book ‘Outliers’, I thought I just have to choose a domain and keep spending hours on it. And I was so wrong! You need 10,000 flow hours to become an expert. That said, it meant that one should be totally immersed in the task one is doing. In order to reach 10,000-hour flow, it again requires being in a high flow state and not low flow state(skill set is low and the challenge level is low). So in order to make some improvement in your chosen domain and to be in the best flow, you have to keep pushing yourself a little more than your existing skill set on a regular basis.
Now let’s relate this to the work done in the office. The organisation wanted to measure how well I was growing in my career. Since I did not understand the flow chart then, I didn’t really know today if I was growing at a good pace or not then. But from now on, I will apply this to my personal life.
When you are in a flow, you just live in the moment. As I am writing this, I am on my way to the office. I started writing it when I got into the cab and the travel time is for an hour. As I am about to finish this, I haven’t realised that I have almost reached my destination.
Every time when I go to catch-up with friends , all my friends show handsome guys as their new crushes but I won’t have anyone to show. Because I end up admiring guys who are not so good to look at. But I find them beautiful. Their inner beauty makes them look charming for me. As my friends don’t look at the same thing I look at, they consider my taste as bad. This inner beauty which radiates outwards is again the result of the number of flow hours they have been spending to acquire it. Enlightened people have a halo behind them to represent the radiance of inner beauty they have acquired by spending beyond 10,000 flow hours.
Now you must be wondering how you can reach that state. To know that, you need to first find what makes you happy. For that again, you need to experiment. I was in the same state as you are now. I wanted to create a website where I can guide students on how to prepare for an examination. But that was a hectic task with my current job. So I chose to do part time teaching in an institution to begin with. It makes me feel so happy when students find my class useful. I sometimes have to teach for 6 hours at a stretch. I have to be standing for most of the time. But I still don’t feel that I am standing for so long or teaching for so long. That is the power of being in flow. You can also experiment by doing something which you always dreamt of. You can start doing it as a part-time job and check out if you will actually like it.
You can also apply this to your current occupation. If work at your office is boring, think about how to make it interesting, or innovative. When I was given extremely boring work, I wanted to quit. I had an interesting offer from another organisation. I had two choices. Either to challenge the work in the current company or take the new interesting offer. I decided to stay back. I suggested changes to the existing process in my current company. There was a huge opposition from my teammates. But I still continued with the changes as it was for the better. I stopped chasing superiority and have been working for the satisfaction.
Practise the flow and write about your experiences in the comments section.
Happy flow time!

Declutter – Make your life more organised

Sounds like a mundane task. Doesn’t it? I can find the things I want even if my room is cluttered. Why do I have to bother myself with decluttering?
Research says that decluttering has many benefits. According to the author of the book “Happiness Project”, there are six different types of clutters:
 
Nostalgic Clutter:
You save things because they remind you of good memories. I personally have a huge clutter of this kind. I just want them to be there even though I hardly take time out and see them. I have my kindergarten books placed safely in the attic. I have clothes of the time when I was 9 years old which no longer fit me. I just save them under the name of memories. Even if you ask me to get rid of them now, I won’t. Instead I will make a museum out of them, instead of letting them lie there in the attic. Ideally, one should get rid of these too, because it is better to live in the present than bask on past glory. But since I give way too much importance to memories, it is difficult for me to follow the ideal scenario. If you can, do give it a try.
 
Self-righteous conservation clutter:
You save those things because you think that you might use them some day. But when is the someday? If it has not come in the last 5 years, it might not come in the next 5 years too. Sell it off or push it into the nostalgic clutter otherwise.
 
Bargain Clutter:
When you see something on sale, you just buy it because it is on sale. You don’t think if it is something which you are going to use. Most of the stuff ends up as garbage at home. Either sell off this clutter or start using them if they are really useful for you. As a precautionary measure, don’t get tempted when there is a sale next time. Every time you feel the necessity for an item, write it down. Maintain a list of all those items and how much amount you are willing to spend on them. During sale time, buy only those items.
 
Crutch Clutter:
This is the clutter which we retain even though they have outgrown their usage. Do you still have the night pant which has holes and you still wear it because no one is going to see you in it anyway? Get rid of them right away. You can alter their shape and use them as a doormat. Use it in some other form if it has become useless. But get rid of the outgrown things.
 
Freebie Clutter:
Has your friend offered her table because she was getting a new one? Did you just accept it even though you have enough tables in your house? This is freebie clutter. You just dump things because you think they are for free and I might need it someday. But in reality that someday might never come. Start saying ‘NO’ for this type of clutter.
 
Aspirational Clutter:
Did you buy a treadmill a few years back? Is it still lying in your store room? You want to retain it in the hope that you will use it someday. No aspirational clutter please! You can buy the latest variety from market the day you want to truly work out.
Now that you know the different types of clutter, start invading your home now. Start from your closet. Get rid of your clothes which come under any of the above clutters. I had nearly 50 clothes, but I used to not wear more than 50 of them. I got rid of all the clothes which I was not interested in wearing. I just kept the 15 which I use for casual wear and put the party wear clothes separately. Now when I look at my closet, I don’t get the feeling that I have nothing to wear. Instead, I feel happy that I have so many clothes to wear.
 
Then move to the other parts of your house and keeping going with your decluttering.
This is just about the physical clutter clearing. There is emotional clutter too. I will write about it in the next article.
 
Happy decluttering till then!
 

When is the right time to write a journal?

Image result for diary
Did you ever think about writing a diary? You must have been an introvert if you did so. Not that extroverts should not think about it. But what happened then? Did you start writing? Were you scared of privacy? Did you think it was a waste of time? I am an introvert and diary is my best friend. Here is my story of diary writing.
When I was 12, I got inspired by a newspaper article and started writing a diary. I used to write about homework, teachers or parents, which I discontinued later. When I was 18, after a gap of 2 years, I again started writing. This time, it was about crushes and likings. I started treating diary as a friend whom I can trust with my secrets. Sometimes I used to even write about what areas I am good at or need an improvement. Then I made too many friends and writing a diary took a back seat. When I was 23, after a gap of 2 years, I started writing again. This was at a time when I moved back to stay with my family in a city where I had no friends, as a result, diary became my only friend. But I had privacy issues in writing down everything. It was then a friend introduced to me to an online journal. All these years, diary served the purpose of a friend or just a hobby. But now I consider it as one of the best habits I have ever developed.
I started with spending 30 minutes every night to think about the day. I used to write down what I did the entire day. Sometimes I write down my fears. And at times it acts as a friend to discuss the critical decisions I need to take about life. I wanted to track my emotions by writing them down. I used to make a note of the terrible mood swings I had during the day. I was expecting to see an improvement in my state of mind by doing this exercise. But I hardly saw any. I was a little disappointed.
Around that time, I came across ‘Stumbling upon happiness’ book. This book clearly pointed out the mistake I was doing. The author writes about how when we look back on how we felt is different from how we actually felt in that moment when the event occurred. That was when I understood the significance of live journal.
Now I write down the emotion as and when I feel it. If I feel a negative emotion, I make a note of the emotion, the cause of it, the reason behind my reaction and how I will behave in a similar situation next time. This helped me understand myself better. It makes you stay positive after every bad emotion. If I encounter a negative emotion in the early hours of the day, I tell myself that I finished my quota of negativity for the day. On the days I feel good in the first half of the day, I carry those best practices to the remaining day.
The following are a few other uses:
Become a less short tempered person:
Now when I get angry, my anger has vanished in a few seconds because I start thinking rationally and don’t feel any anger at the person or situation. I am no longer a short tempered person. I don’t say that I have become the best I can, but I can feel the difference. It helps me bring a control on my life rather than my life controlling me. It helped me in reducing the wavering of moods and extremities of emotions.
Task Making:
If I am in the middle of a task and think about a few other tasks I need to get done, instead of waiting to finish this task, if I just make a note of it, it frees up my working memory.
Health Irritants:
If I feel a pain in the stomach due to a certain food or if I sneeze because of a certain smell, remembering trivial points like this till the end of the day would be a waste of memory and there are higher chances of forgetting them. Instead if I note them down as and when it happens, I will have a log of the causes for my health issues.
Increase in Productivity:
I make a note of what tasks made me feel that I misused my time and where I have made the best use of my time. If I have been whiling away a lot of time, I will be extra careful for the remaining hours.
Some of you must be wondering that this is going to be an utter waste of time. If you have the habit of texting someone whole day, this comes under texting yourself the entire day. It is not only the relations in your life you need to handle but also yourself. I have not fully achieved it yet. But I am a better person than before and I am going to become the best of myself in the coming days. Try it out yourself and share those experiences here.
Happy journal writing !

Have a bad habit? Break it now!

Image result for bad habit
‘Bad habits’- All of us have them. Do we need to feel bad about them? May be yes, may be no. But it is a definite yes, if it is affecting your life. Even I had one such bad habit which was impairing my life. Below is my story on how I got over it.


 I was a WhatsApp addict. I used to reply impulsively. The addiction grew to a point where I started hallucinating the notification sound of WhatsApp message. I was checking for messages even if there was no notification, out of an assumption that WhatsApp must have stuck. I was losing control over my time. I used to feel depressed if I was not receiving any messages. I used to text around 10 people so that I can let the conversation flow with at least one of them. I needed to keep the dopamine rush flowing or else it drove me into loneliness. In short, my happiness was out of my control. But something different happened then, which turned my life.
Define the reason for giving up the habit:
 This is the most important step for any task. Know why you are doing what. Without having a clear reason for why you want to give up, you will easily give up on breaking your bad habit. My reason was when I moved to stay with my parents, they could not understand what those important messages were I was attending to all the time. They challenged the fact that I could stay without that. I took it as a challenge and worked in that direction to get over it.
Replace the reward:
 A message from WhatsApp gave  me a dopamine rush. I had to replace it with a healthier rush. I long for interesting conversations. The present way was toxic.  I had to look out for a healthier way to have them. I found Quora to be a suitable place to have that. So every time I felt the urge to text, I shared my knowledge with others on this platform.
Reduce slowly:
 Stopping it all of a sudden makes a person depressed because of with drawl symptoms. Instead reducing it step by step helps in getting over the addiction sustainable. I thought of stopping WhatsApp usage many times prior to this. When my monthly net pack on phone expired, I was not able to stay for even a few hours without it. But this time I did something different. I did not stop it completely. Instead I reduced it to data pack for 5 days a week. So when I am out on the weekdays I have net pack but if I am going out on a weekend I won’t. So it was about depriving myself for a few hours each week. After a month, I reduced it further down to four days a week. On 5th day, if I feel the urge to text, I switch on data for a few minutes once a day. As a next step, I cut it short to 3 days a week for 2 weeks. By then, I had already reached a stage of control.
The above mentioned methods are what worked for me. The bad habit which you want to break might be different. But you can still try the above steps. Reward yourself after you achieve each milestone. 


Happy breaking bad habit!

A life of Happiness and Fulfilment

Image result for a life of happiness and fulfilment

This was my second course on Coursera. The title speaks for itself. But why have I selected this as the second course? 





I have followed the steps which I mentioned in the previous article.

  • Selection of Course: Who does not want to be happy?  But there is more to happiness than just the feeling of being happy. Research shows that there are umpteen number of benefits of being happy. It enhances absorption rate of new content in life. I am in the process making my foundation strong. So improving my happiness is definitely a place to start my exciting journey. If you are already happy, you can still do this course because you can learn a few new things about how happiness works.

  • Contents of the course: The course tells about the seven sins which we usually commit in our everyday life which steals our happiness. Each week ends with a habit which we have to inculcate to nullify the negative effects of our sins. So this course is not just about one way listening, but also helps you inculcate a few good habits.

  • Level of the course: It is a course which requires neither psychology basics nor technical knowledge. It is a course which people from any educational background can do. Even if you don’t have an educational degree, if you just know the language, you can still do this course.

  • Rating and Reviews of the course: It is rated as 4.7 on coursera. There were mixed reviews. Some of them found it useful. Others who were not open to change or who were already happy might not have found it useful.

  • Duration of course: The course was for around 2 hours a week for 6 weeks. That was not too hectic for me.

  • Finding time: I was doing the course for around 20 minutes each day. If I found any lesson interesting, I used to spend a little more time on that.
This was how I selected this course.
Overview of the course:
The author of this course uses balloon as a metaphor for happiness. The way we have to keep pumping air into the balloon to inflate it, we need to add happiness into our lives to have a fulfilled life. Just like the way if there is a small hole in the balloon the air starts leaking outside, the sins we commit in our life also oozes out the happiness. Hence we need to keep inculcating happiness increasing habits the way we plaster the holes of the balloon.
How happy are you? This is the starting point of the course. As I wrote in this article, before you work on improving something, measure your current state. Without knowing where you are, you don’t know if you have moved at all from your origin, leave about reaching the destination. Hence take the happiness survey. But the happiness survey used in this course was a general measure of happiness. The definitions for the terms used in the survey are subjective. And they differ from person to person. So it might not be that useful. But to make the survey useful for you, write down what each statement means to you. For example, one of the statements in the survey says the life I am leading right now is the way I want to live. Make a note of what your ideal life is. Then rate the statement based on your agree-ability to it. After you finish the course, rate the statement based on the same understanding. Suppose if your ideal life now is to have a lot of money and at the end of the course is to have a happy marriage, you will be comparing oranges to apples. So avoid that mistake while measuring it. Once you have measured your happiness, you are ready to start the course.
The following are the seven sins and the respective habits which have to be cultivated.
Sin Habit
Devaluing Happiness Prioritize but don’t pursue happiness
Chasing Superiority Pursuing Flow
Love addict / Avoidant Provide Love
Overly Control seeking Taking Personal responsibility for happiness
Distrusting Others Exercising smart trust and forgiving others
Distrusting Life Dispassionate pursuit of passion
Ignoring ourselves Mindfulness
In the next posts, I will write my experiences with them.
Happy Learning till then! 🙂

The Need to Belong

Image result for loneliness
I feel so lonely. I just wish I had someone who can understand me. Everyone of us feel this at some point or the other. But what if someone feels this way every day? Is it still considered as normal?

There are a few who feel this almost everyday. They need constant love and attention. If that is denied they try to create problems in their life to get others attention. They are always complaining about petty things. A very few of them realise this as young adults. For a few it becomes a part of their life. As adults they suffer in their marriage. They will not be able to take care of their children. Even though they have good academics, they will struggle to get respect from others. When a needy person does not get love he might even commit suicide.

The root cause of this is not getting enough love as infant. Let’s look at the story of Annie. Annie was put in a care center when she was 9 months old. Her parents loved her but that didn’t reach her as they hardly had any time for her. She didn’t grow an attachment to her mother as a result of this. She used to go hug her aunt but not mother. Situation grew worse once she had a sister. Her parents were completely ignoring her. All she longed for was a kiss or a hug from parents. She was not even getting that. She prayed to God that she should be gifted death if her parents can’t shower love on her. She started doing well at her studies to gain attention of her parents. But her parents still were paying attention to the younger one alone. The problem just grew worse with age for her. She fluctuated between avoidant and neediness based on the people around her. If she had people who would shower love she would show neediness for others she was avoidant. She was having terrible problems in her relations. She was always complaining or falling sick to get complete attention of her partner. She used to feel insecure at times.

The following are a few ways one can deal with it:

1. Practise self compassion:

  When one practises self compassion, it helps one give to oneself the love they need. Humans are more harsh on themselves than on others. Be your own friend. Take care of yourself as you will take care of others.You can download some self compassion videos to start with.

2. Maintain a gratitude journal: 

Write everyday what good the other person has done for you. You will be habituated to look for the positive things when you are not getting enough attention.

3. Discuss your problem with a trusted one:

 When you tell a friend or partner or someone whom you trust, they might remind you of your mental condition when you get into that mode.

4. Meditate: 

Meditation cools your mind. You might not be able to focus well in the beginning. But that helps in identifying that you feel attention in the beginning itself.

5. Pursue a hobby: 

Make sure that you don’t have too much of idle time. Involve yourself in flow like activities.

Happy conquering loneliness!