One of my favourite quotes on marriage is from the movie Shall we Dance (2004) –
‘Your life will not go unnoticed because I will notice it. Your life will not go unwitnessed because I will be your witness’
To translate this into psychological terms, we are asking for attention and good listening skills and being there for each other. While it all feels dreamy, when it comes to reality and you have to make a decision within 6 weeks or 6 months to decide someone to spend a lifetime with, how do you decide? Based on their performance at that time, of course, they are doing their best. Not just because it is an exam but it is because their brain is flooded with love chemicals just like yours is. They will want to make you laugh, keep you happy and make you feel like life is just going to be this forever.
But once you get into a marriage, when these chemicals slowly fade and life becomes more of sharing responsibilities, how can you still feel sorted?
A few common mistakes to avoid
1.Not talking about the non negotiable aspects
When you are happy, it doesn’t even strike you to talk about important things which matter to you. Let’s say you want to settle abroad knowing very well that your partner wants to stay with parents. Love becomes more important than those things and you pretty much assume that he/she will adjust for the sake of love.
2.Falling for a person who makes you feel home
Home was and is a place of not only fulfilled needs but also the endless unfulfilled desires. When you go for the feelings of familiarity, you are choosing the same pain of home again hoping to find peace at a place you lost. Initial love definitely clouds that. Life feels empty, painful and miserable when you don’t work on it when the cloud disappears. Be wary of this trap while choosing your partner and work on it earlier than later.
Only 50%–60% of the adults are securely attached. This attachment style is determined when you are 6–18 months old. The most common trap is that an anxious person gets attracted to an avoidant person. Understand your attachment style and be careful about who you are choosing.
What to expect from the workshop?
During my one on one sessions with clients, I found these as the common questions
- What questions should I ask?
- I want X as the major quality. But how do I find that he/she displays X?
- My parents and relatives want me to get married into a rich family, but I want an educated man. How do I decide between the two?
- I am fine with this quality now. What if I am not fine with it later?
- Do you think this quality in him will change in the future?
- My gut feeling says he is the guy but he doesn’t satisfy my criteria. Should I still go for him?
- He is not at all good. He has all the bad habits which I always want to avoid. But I still think it is okay to marry. What should I do?
- Should I go back to the first guy? He was better than everyone else.
- How do I know I will be happy with him?
- I am afraid of marriage. How do I overcome the fear?
- I have been fine being independent for such a long time. Why should I marry?
- I can’t take care of myself. How will I take care of another person?
- I don’t feel attracted. Should I still marry?
- My parents want me to get married. Where do I start?
- Career is the most important thing to me. Will he understand?
- Should I talk about my past relationships?
- My work involves talking with a lot of people of the opposite gender. What if my partner doesn’t understand me?
You will find answers to all the commonly asked questions through a framework which makes it very easy to define your life partner in all aspects and you will recognise one when you see them.
Registration link – https://bit.ly/3BbAdee
Happy finding ‘The One’!