NikithaWho am I? Where did I come from? How did life start on Earth? Who is God? These were some questions which have been bothering me ever since I was 10. I was not supposed to ask such questions at home. Friends and teachers ridiculed my questions. But these questions didn’t leave me.
I set out on a journey to find who I am and discovered the different titles, phases, identities I could comfortably put myself into.
Let’s start with my childhood. A classmate from school told me when I was in college that I was ‘the perfect girl’ in class. He was right about it. When I remember my school days, I only remember being the first in class, crying over losing that one mark despite being first, every parent and teacher considering my parents the luckiest parents ever, me participating in every extra curricular activity to live up to the title.
Now, when I look back at this perfect childhood, I also see a child who never experienced what it means to be a child. I see so much burden on that child who struggled so hard to live upto the expectations the teachers, parents and classmates put upon her. Was it worth it? Back then, maybe yes. As of today, I would never do that to my child and I dread to live up to the standards I keep setting myself to because it leads to burn out multiple times.
Another title which I lived up to until I was 23, ‘the silent girl’. I was a very shy child growing up and in college too, I hardly ever opened up. I was afraid that what if I don’t say the right thing and always thought maybe no one is ever interested in what I have to share. I have an expertise degree in being that whenever I feel uncomfortable in any situation, I easily go back into this safe shell.
Despite my silence, people always found comfort in me. I was the therapist to all my friends. Every time they want to get something off my chest, they come to my room and go on and on until they are done and feel better. I could keep their secrets so I became their comfort zone. I couldn’t get that back from them, because I didn’t find those qualities in them. This avatar of mine has helped me build a career now, but when it happens in an unofficial space, it still drains me like hell because I am tired of being that to people who call me a friend but the only relationship we have is that of therapist and client. I sometimes wish I find a therapist too and I learn to open up too so that I am not bottling up everything inside me and hit that empathy fatigue which I currently identify myself with where I am no longer able to be a therapist to friends.
If I keep aside who I was being and how it impacts me as of today, I had a wide range of deep interests with which I identified myself for a long while. Growing up and until college, I was the painter and crafts person. I absolutely loved that part of me. My family remembers my childhood for how I liked exploring this side of me.
Suddenly after college, I developed this deep interest towards writing. I wanted to be a top class writer. I made friends with writers because I felt words are such a powerful way to move hearts. That was the only way I felt connected with myself as I lived in the world of books. To pursue this aspect of me, Quora and my website were good places for me to explore this version of me. Now you may notice for all the suppression I went through being silent, I found a place where I could express my voice. At one point, no one knew me. At another point, anyone and everyone in the world knew a lot of aspects of my life.
While I continued to explore writing, I suddenly became mad about photography. For me this was a simpler version of the artist I was in my childhood. You click and it’s done. You don’t have to spend days to perfect it the way painting needs. When I look back at all the photos I have clicked and the kind of passion I expressed, I can’t stop myself from falling in love with that person.
In the midst of all these acceptable passions and how easy it was for me to love myself, my spiritual awakening started. Unlike before, I couldn’t share this with the world. For me it felt like it was no different from being queer and then you are afraid to come out of the closet because you are not sure how the world would react (after being burned at the stake in many past life times for following a spiritual path). I have been to more than 10 different healers, mystics, astrologers, energy readers, akashic readers to learn that this is who I am or this is the version of me which I need to embody in this lifetime and to confirm that I am not making up things in my head. Listening to each of them would give me a temporary confirmation and validation that this is who I am supposed to be, but for a long time, there has been that continuous conflict within me between the normal life I would like to have ( a life where I can relate to other folks who I grew up with, the parts of me which were easy to love) vs the life I signed up for on earth for this lifetime. The only way I could ease into this journey was by embodying who I see the person I am becoming and sending so much love to this version.
Self love has been a challenge with the conflict I had in my head but I am getting there slowly and eventually with all the work I have been doing with my parts. With all the layers, identities, the voices I have internalized around who I am supposed to be over the decades, it has indeed been a struggle to start shedding these layers to start getting a taste of what my soul is actually made of. It was a difficult journey to love this person but every aspect of it was worth it. The next few years for me are going to be about learning to fall in love with who I actually am vs the person who I learned to love with all the perfections I built around me and that is the most rewarding thing I will be doing for myself.
I helped myself through this process by identifying and questioning every thought, behavior and perception I had about myself and I will continue to do that until I get to the core of it.
A huge thank you to all of you who have been following my journey closely and supporting me throughout this as I shift and transform year after year. I have been documenting my monthly journey on this website for almost 7 years which I briefly discontinued last year as I wanted to slow down in life. Let me know in this form if you still enjoy the monthly articles because I am no longer holding myself accountable with habits in this new version which I am discovering as I want to shed a few layers of perfection and lean into more of feminine energy. I will be sharing other parts of my journey if you still enjoy the monthly articles.
Who are you? How can you find yourself?
You are an entity from the infinite source of unconditional love who has chosen to come to the plane of earth to remember who you are through soul gifts and karmic lessons. The easiest way to find who you are is by discovering who you are not and why you are not that. You can also define who you are and be the exact opposite of that to see how fluid a human life is. The more you discover that you are not the identities you have limited yourself into, the more you find joy and expansion in life.
Wishing you a very happy new year 2024 and hope this year will be the one where you come a step closer to discovering the real you!
How can I help you?
- I have started a new instagram page to help those in spiritual journey so that they feel less alone in the process of realizing themselves.
- You can book a life path reading with me where I help you discover who you are. You can also schedule follow up sessions to take the coaching deeper to remember the qualities which already exist within you