I felt a sudden surge of anxiety on the evening of Jan 1st wondering what if 2024 is not the year I have been waiting for. It was so 3D of me to worry over things which I have seen happening multiple times in my 5D and meditations. It felt like my shadows were catching up with me all at once.
I am currently in the process of making some big life decisions where I know what I want exactly and I have done enough inner work in the last 6 months to manifest the results. Yet there is so much turbulence and 3D thinking because I want everything to be perfect because I can’t afford to fail. (You can see the perfectionist in me talking)
I am tired of failing. I had many wins in life for sure. But this week I was only able to recollect and access the memories of all the times I failed. When I do that I start to make failure my identity instead of looking at failure as incidents. I have shown amazing resilience every time I failed but when I focus on myself as a failure it does so much injustice to how I am viewing myself. There’s no point in crying over how others view you if you don’t stop looking at yourself as a failure.
This week at work was a disaster. I did a lot of inner work that I no longer vibe with my work. I know that I deserve a promotion and I need a change of project. My manager can’t give me a promotion because of company rules and the best he could was offer me a team change. I have started the process of looking out (because once you do the inner work, you should also take action in the outer world which matches it) but my impatience started taking over. In that impatience, I again had a few days of chest filled with heaviness and anxiety because the new project suggested by my manager involved 70% engineering work rather than DS and creative problem solving which are my primary skills. Usually when you don’t change what you need to change in 3D, your guides from 5D give you very clear signs that you don’t belong here anymore. Instead of trusting them, my initial reaction was to fight with it. I was breaking my resolution of letting go of perfection in the very first week itself by wanting everything I can’t control to be the way I want.
A few more disasters happened with friends. One of my friends said that I didn’t have it in me to be a content creator and he said that I should not pursue that path because he doesn’t think greatly about content creators and they fall into a trap. He was projecting his fears and lack mindset onto me. He was definitely not putting me down but that is how he was expressing care. But I am so done with people who tell me about what I should do and should not do. While it was a very innocent statement from him, I already have thousands of voices running in my head from people who loved me and told me what is good and bad for me. These loved ones told me that I didn’t have it in me to be a writer, I can’t be an entrepreneur, etc etc etc. But why do I have to take it so personally when they don’t understand my world? People around me might not resonate with what I want to say. But sure there are people I don’t know in real life who need to listen to the exact thing which I want to say today. I grew up feeling understood by the authors whose books I was lost in than to the people around me. I want to be the same for people who can benefit from my self expression. It is my way of giving back. Who was this person who doesn’t even know me, need me or resonate with me to decide on my content or skills?
After all the failures, there was another mistake that I made but immediately corrected it. Another friend expressed something he was going through and I was laughing through it as I was under the assumption that it was friendly banter. Later on he said that I was laughing at his misery. It was such an innocent statement from his end but the inner critical voice in my head became so active. It started screaming – “How can you be so insensitive? When will you even learn to react appropriately?” And so on and so forth. I took charge of this situation by apologizing to the person and letting him know that I can be there for him if he needs me. He clearly mentioned that he is not ready to take help and for the first time in my life I took control over my savior mindset and allowed myself to not overextend myself. That night I had a dream which showed me what was happening in his life but I chose not to over indulge and learn to wait until he comes back for help. Some lessons are so tough but when you do them for the first time, it feels like a big win.
How did I accept myself when I felt everything was falling apart?
- Going back to my faith system. I always have a choice whether I want to live in 3D or 5D. If I see myself relapsing to my old patterns of being in 3D, I will make a choice to move into 5D until it becomes my default state.
- I invited all the anxiety to show me where it stems from. I saw my inner child sitting in front of me who was always obedient and listened to the elders on what is right and what is wrong. Hugging this inner child and doing some inner child work helped me calm down.
- To let go of my perfection and optimization, I invited my higher self to show me what I needed to see so that I don’t get bogged down by what I see in 3D. I leaned into what I truly wanted than the options which were being presented to me and trusted the divine timing.
- I started making notes of the inner critical voice and saw who it originated from and gave it back to the people in my meditations so that I don’t carry it with me for the rest of my life.
After that tumultuous week, my husband wanted me to have fun and booked a show ‘Thoughts and feelings’ by Rajashekhar Mamidana, my favorite stand-up comedian. In that show he beautifully explained the inner voices that we have, our inner child needs, what our adult self wants, generational trauma, everything through comedy. He also touched upon topics of letting go of perfection, prioritizing feelings, valuing yourself. It was indeed an art to teach serious concepts in such a fun way. I felt inspired to include more fun in my own work too. He also reminded me how an artist performs their best when the emotions are allowed. I remembered how I wrote my best articles and quora answers when I had emotions to express. He also had the key message around how all feelings should be expressed. This is especially for the men out there who only feel safe to express anger. He definitely is doing a great job bringing awareness to common people about the difficult concepts of life.
I finally wrapped up my Saturday evening with part 4 of Manifesting Love workshop where I shared deep insights which I have worked on in 2023. Even though the session was only for an hour because I usually can’t stay awake beyond 10, I continued it till the end because I was in my element. My biggest win of the week where I finally felt myself. There’s no bigger pleasure in life than doing what you love and falling in love with yourself over and again through that process.
How can I help you?
If you have been struggling to accept yourself, I can help you get in touch with your inner child and accept all the parts which have been rejected by you and your primary care takers, so that you stop feeling lonely that there is no one out there for you who understands you. Start the journey of falling in love with yourself by enquiring here.