There is so much confusion and so many misconceptions around what marriage is all about either due to ignorance or wrong expectations set by society which leads to enormous suffering in so many lives. In this article, I will be sharing my learnings based on scientific research, my spiritual experiences and my own marriage and experiences of my clients.
What is the purpose of marriage?
The purpose of marriage is to seek oneness. But this true oneness comes only with the union with divine. On a physical plane, this oneness comes from practising how to achieve this oneness by union with another human. While it may seem that you are achieving a union with another, you are looking for achieving this union or self acceptance of your own self. The other person is just a projection which feels easier to achieve and can be seen or measured.
While this is the core experience of what a marriage is all about, why do we stray from this?
1. Dharma artha kama moksha
Hindu principles give a framework of Dharma, artha, kama, moksha for how a man should lead life. After you find you build your morals and perform your duties, earn money, have pleasure and work towards fulfilling your desires and then finally renounce everything in the old age. While this looks so good in definition, when you see astrological chart, there’s a huge imbalance in which area of life takes precedence over the other, which areas are more challenging than the others is not same for everyone. Due to which the basic principles which is considered a normal life is not possible for everyone.
Read that again. Whatever is considered as normal is not normal to begin with. Knowing your major chunk of pillar what you are here for will help you make peace with why you are not normal.
2. Expectations from society
Now whatever guiding principles have been suggested, people want it to be followed by the book. In realistic life, it is quite impossible due to the reasons mentioned above. This starts to create a situation of lack – “May be there is something wrong with me. May be i am not putting the right effort. May be i am not lucky.” All of these are not helpful thoughts.
In my first year of marriage, my mom asked me, “Do you finally understand the joy of marriage?” This is a huge assumption which is making millions of people suffer in their marriages. The expectation that marriage should be all about love is a wrong premise to start with.
In the first year of my marriage, it being my first committed relationship, I was facing an identity crisis. “Where do I start and where do I end? How much of giving is losing myself to marriage? Am I giving up my dreams to fit into the marriage? Is my marriage normal? Am I doing everything as expected by the society? Am I giving in to patriarchal system?” There were endless questions that I wanted answers to.
When I couldn’t find answers, I reached out to my friends which was a huge mistake. Because they are not subject matter experts and it created more doubts and suffering.
Now because of society’s expectations, lot of people go into the entitlement mode of what they deserve in the marriage and when they don’t get what they think they deserve, they start to seek advice from friends, family and professionals.
It’s good to seek an opinion but most of the times it becomes a rant and they go into a victim mode which eventually turns into an abyss which they take years to come out of.
The feeling of I have been wronged by someone.
In a few cases, they think that divorce is a solution but that will not solve the problem.
How to solve for this?
1. Being clear on purpose of marriage
For someone not on the spiritual path, it might be difficult to define marriage as oneness as I mentioned above. But if you don’t look at your marriage as a path to self improvement, you will mostly suffer while you are in it ( will talk about exceptions later). One of the basic lessons of a happy marriage is learning to forgive and let go.
2. Choosing the partner
When choosing a partner, what I have heard from my clients and my friends is how physical attraction becomes a non negotiable factor.
While physical attraction is definitely an important component, I hate to break the magic behind the butterflies. Physical attraction can be manufactured with anyone. As long as you know your erotic blueprint, you can be physically attracted to anyone. There’s no one special in terms of that. You can admire beauty but attraction which you think as special can be recreated. And that’s also the secret of how couples can still be attracted to each other after many years of marriage because they know how to recreate it rather than calling it as something which just happens.
Apart from physical attraction, there are other things that you match to check if everything looks good on paper.
But one thing you always miss is how does my every day life triggers look with this person? How does he/she magnify my insecurities?
Am I ready to put up with this deep course of self improvement? This answers your question of ‘Am I ready for marriage?’
3. Twin flame, soul mate and karmic partners
Twin flame is when your soul takes birth in two bodies, one is yours and the other is another human being. In many cases, the twin flame exists on other dimensions and still guiding you in different ways. Very few people have their twin flame incarnated on Earth. These people feel good because of the sense of feeling home. But since it is their own self improvement journey, they still experience triggers.
Soul mate is when you have started on the journey of working on oneness with each other over many lifetimes and have achieved certain level of oneness already and you are here to take this journey to the next deeper layer.
Karmic partners are when you just started this journey or you have reached a critical point in your journey that the obstacle now seems a very huge one to deal with.
One important thing to remember here is that irrespective of who you are married to, it is your own journey being reflected by another human being. If your marriage is happy and with fewer triggers, your triggers will come from outside (work, children, etc) because at the end of the day you are here to experience the lightness and darkness.
How to make life easy?
If you were able to read till here, one thing you would have understood by now is that it is your own journey. It doesn’t matter what the societies expectations are or what kind of partner you end up with.
This journey, the lessons, the blessings – they are all something your soul has chosen even before you took birth in the form of soul contract.
Now, on the earth, the only way to keep moving forward is to stop resisting the experiences, letting go of control, seeing things for what they are.
But the problem comes because you are so attached to what you want it to be for such a long time that you have spent all your energy in that and you have no energy left to learn your lesson.
Whatever lesson you fail to learn, will only keep coming back to you life time after life time. The only path to feeling lighter is to experience it for what it is and become close to oneness.
Hope you find peace in your marriage.
Happy finding your oneness!
How can I help you in this journey?
- You can schedule a 1:1 session to discuss your marriage and how you want to apply this in your life.
- You can get a life path reading from me to understand your blessings and lessons.
- You can join the part 4 of Manifesting love workshop where I teach how to navigate deep karmic layers.